How to Pick up a Woman

You are at a bar or a club. You see a woman you'd like to know better. What do you do? Well, try being bold, open and happy for starters. Women like guys who show a smile and even more than this, women like a guy who can laugh at himself and who can crack good jokes. What else? Read on to find out some more ways to improve your chances.


1. Assess the situation. Only nine percent of women say that they found love in a bar. Is this great gal that you're checking out part of that nine percent? Here are some good signs:

(1) Assess whether she is checking you out. Perhaps she's smiling or talking to her friends while looking at you. Many guys don't pursue in this situation because they don't believe what they are seeing or they are waiting for the girl to approach. Yes, she is checking you out and no, she will definitely not approach you. However, she will appreciate it if you send a drink or a plate of nachos her way with a few chuckles and smiles from you. Then go and own up and start talking.

(2) Be careful if she is alone. This is a tough call. She may be waiting for someone. Possibly the girl of your dreams will make it obvious if she's waiting for someone by looking towards the door often. If this is the case, don't pursue. If not, well, she just isn't that insecure to be by herself and is most likely to appreciate a good chat, whether or not another guy is coming to meet her. Hey, what's to lose by at least trying?

(3) Decide what it means if she is dressed provocatively. Women who are interested in meeting someone might wear bold, solid colors like black, white or red. They also typically put a lot of effort into their hair, makeup and shoe selection. Mind you, women often do this for women too, so don't make assumptions. Women don't like looking as if they've spent a day at the construction site when they go out to enjoy themselves. So shelve the assumptions and look lively. If her clothes give off signals, you have probably been drinking a little earlier than usual. Look for the woman in the clothes, not at the clothes on the woman.

(4) Understand what is means if she is looking around a lot. If she's in her circle of friends and makes an effort to look at the guys passing by, you've got a potential pick-up. Mind you, you might have a group of women doing this all at once. Select the one that meets with your idea of fun and good talk. Use your commonsense. Sometimes you may be roped into engaging with all of them as they check you out for a friend in that group. Be obliging.

(5) React quickly if she looks bored or annoyed with her company. The guys she came with are belligerent and touching her and she has no out. This is your best situation to be the knight in shining armor. You don't even need visual contact! Just walk over there and say, "How'd you like to come sit with me/us?" or "There's an empty seat next to me if you need it." You can skip down to the conversation part if you're lucky enough to find one of these. Ask her what on earth she was discussing with those bullish guys and get her a good stiff drink.

2. Make eye contact. You've already established that she is available, so keep telling yourself that. This next step is key. If she looks at you and you look away nervously, good luck to you. You've already made a bad first impression. Keep a relaxed, flirtatious gaze. Don't stare and don't lock up and look like a psycho. Also don't flash a huge, fake grin. Just move your head however feels natural and smile a bit--whatever feels natural. If she looks away shyly, that's good. If she gives you a seductive stare, that's even better. If she looks away and looks freaked out, better find someone else.

3. Look away for a second or two to give her time to think about you. She has noticed that you're available and that you like her. She's thinking about whether she likes you back. Don't take too long. Between ten seconds and a minute. Whatever feels right. Take a deep breath, relax, think happy thoughts. She was intrigued by you, remember?

4. Clear your mind. Breathe. That oxygen is going to help you think on your toes and help you relax. Gulp it down politely. She may wonder if you are a fish otherwise.

5. Glance over at her again. If she's chatting with her friends and still has her eye on you, congratulations. If she's looking at you comfortably, congratulations. If she purposely avoids eye contact, she either has myopia or she just hasn't felt the spark her end. Approach somebody else or offer to put her glasses back on.

6. Keep eye contact as you approach. Don't stare and don't trip over anything as you walk toward her. Stay relaxed and focused. Have a sense of purpose. Don't let all the people who are in your way discourage you. Remember, we have already established that she likes you. If you blow it now, it's all your fault. Although, never underestimate the endearing quality of a guy who trips over in pursuit of love. It can be retold for years afterwards and who knows, it may just end in marriage.

7. Smile casually and say something casual. Remember, you are a stranger. There is no need to say something elaborate but at least form the words clearly - don't mumble or spit in anticipation. Here are some ideas:

(1) "Hey."

(2) "How's it going?"

(3) "Hey there."

(4) "Hey what's up?"

8. Regardless of what her response is, ask a question next. The purpose of this question is to get her to laugh. Say something benign or even daft:

(1) "What are you up to?" This one is a favorite. If she says "nothing," try one of the others, but if she wants to play along she'll say "dancing" () cue laugh() or "drinking" () cue laugh()

(2) "What's your name?"

(3) "Where's your boyfriend?" This is a good question to ask if she's been talking to a guy that she's obviously not interested in. Do you see the pattern? Humor!

(4) Or even "What's your sign?" She just may crack up

(5) If you are talented enough to think up your own humorous question that fits the scenario better, go for it. But please, if you don't have a rapacious wit, stick to the suggestions above.

9. Get on with it. You're on your own, so have a decent conversation. If you're not good at it, you will never get a pickup (unless you look like a model). Most guys can't get past the above part, so you already have a head start. Remember, if you fail at this point, it's all your fault. She doesn't really have a boyfriend and she isn't really that busy. You just didn't impress her with your conversation, that's all. Get better and try again.


1. Consider going to the bar with a few friends. It's best if your group has a few females. It adds a little mystery ("I wonder if he's dating any of them?") and shows that you are a normal, social human being.

2. Remember to stay relaxed and comfortable.

3. Have a few questions and comments planned out. If you are nervous, stumbling around for what to say next can be haphazard at best. Make sure they're good ones too. Good conversation questions are casual and a little shallow.

4. The type of questions you ask are important. The key is to be in the moment. Avoid talking about work or school if possible. If you've talked to her for a while, a good question is "what do you do?" It just sounds less invasive than "where do you work?" or "what do you do for a living?" Plus, what if she's a student or unemployed? Don't be too inquisitive about it. No one wants to talk about work details at a bar.

5. Also don't ask questions that you know the answer to. Are you interested in hearing her say "yes" or interested in what's going on in her mind? If you ask questions like these she will quickly lose respect for you:

o "Are you having a good time?"

o "So you're hanging out with the girls tonight?"

o "So you like dancing?

o "So you like [whatever drink she has in her hand]?"

6. Don't be too serious. You are out at a bar. She didn't come here to meet serious guys, she wants to have fun. In bars/clubs, serious guys stick out in a bad way. She won't want to be seen with you.

7. If you sense that the girl is smart or witty, it can help a great deal to establish yourself as one of her kind with some offbeat comedy. In one Seinfeld episode, Jerry brags of picking up a girl with the line, "So you know I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England."

8. You are trying to keep the conversation flowing naturally. If it starts to feel like an interview, it's best to abort mission.

9. Be funny. This will break the ice, make you more attractive, and make her like you more as a person. If you are too nervous to think of funny stuff to say, you're going to have a tough time pulling it off.

10. Girls are almost always better at conversation than guys, but there's the possibility that you cannot get the flow going with her. If she's giving one word answers and there is no connection, it's best not to pursue. Even if it is "her fault" in your mind, she doesn't see it that way.

11. Watch Wedding Crashers for some excellent ideas. That movie is full of great pick-up ideas. It's not recommended that you actually crash weddings though. Other movies with bar pick-ups are How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Lost in Translation. Don't do exactly what they do, just observe the flow in conversation between two strangers.

12. Read Cosmo, Vogue and Esquire magazines. Women's opinions of things tend to be quite consistent. Look closely and you will find what to say, what not to say, what to come off as, etc. Besides bedroom recommendations, these magazines often have articles telling women what to look for in a man, and many women listen.

13. Don't use filler phrases! They make you sound unsure of yourself.

o "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice..."

o "I was wondering..."

o "So..."

o "Well..."

o "Has anyone ever told you that..."

o "...or something like that."

o " know?"

14. Dress well, but more importantly, dress appropriately. Don't wear your clubbing shirt to a college watering hole and don't wear a t-shirt and sneakers to the club.

15. If you ever end up as the third wheel out at a bar, don't fret. This is an excellent pickup situation if the girl you're with is willing to assist you. Girls hold each other's opinions rather highly and she will have an easier time getting the object of your affection to come over. Some girls may view this as wimpy or a cop-out, so make sure that when you meet her, you dispel that suspicion immediately.

16. If she's with a group of friends, engage them early. Most women will use the approval of their friends to judge you. Sometimes groups with one or two guys are easiest to approach because you can chat the guys up first, then find out how they know each other.

17. It's ok to be nervous--its not ok to hide it, because she'll know anyway. Be comfortable enough with a little nervousness that you can push through it into a decent conversation.

18. Most women want to attract you with something besides looks. If she's hot, every other chump has already told her that. So try to elicit her values or something personal and then reward her with a statement of interest for something besides her looks. So when she says she loves dogs, you can say "Wow, so you're compassionate AND sexy".


1. Don't force anything.

2. Do not use routines that are not congruent with your image.

3. You are going to get shot down from time to time. That's life. Pick yourself up and try again.


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